By Carlos Eton
I have come to a frightful conclusion; weird things happen on Thursdays.
It had been a fairly uneventful and routine November day when the quiet of my morning was interrupted with a rather unusual text; “It’s November 18 and it’s Mickey Mouse’s birthday. I think you should celebrate it.”
Huh?
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“Really, Carlos, you really need to pay tribute to Mickey Mouse. He’s done a lot for the world and celebrating his birthday is really what we should do. I’m serious.”
Was I missing something? I’m supposed to celebrate the fabricated birthday of an imaginary rodent? Was I being punked? [To be fair, this is the same person who said that moving to the islands would require that I purchase an extra-large umbrella since a person can drown if he or she looks up at the sky while it’s raining.]
Now, for something really disturbing; people actually celebrate made-up birthdays of fictional characters!
Now, for something really disturbing; people actually celebrate made-up birthdays of fictional characters!
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Hello Kitty’s (and her twin sister Mimmy’s) birthday is November 1. I’m not sure how (and if) it is even necessary to celebrate Miss Kitty’s birthday. After all, the “Hello Kitty” industry generates $8 billion in media and product sales. She is definitely not suffering financially in any way.
By the way, did you know her full name is “Kitty White” and that she was “born” in 1974? This November Ms. White will be “celebrating” her 48th birthday. Should preteens really celebrate the birthday of a middle-aged fictional feline? In two more years Ms. White can join AARP and be eligible for health and financial benefits—not that the wealth-laden feline needs them.
Even more puzzling, in terms of her romantic interests, she has continued to string her boyfriend “Dear Daniel” along for quite some time—it has been decades without any sign of nuptials in the works. I suspect that Daniel suffers from the same socio-pyscho-physical challenges that Barbie’s Ken does. [No, I’m not going to spell that out for you.] Maybe Daniel should date Mimmy instead. Or Lisa Simpson (now 35—her birthday was May 9). Or Mary Worth–she’s 84.
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People actually celebrate Dora the Explorer’s birthday on August 14. I’m not sure if we should be celebrating the upcoming 22nd birthday of an imaginary character who, after a lengthy pre-adolescent career of Terran exploration, should probably be focused on some sort of post-exploration career. Now that she’s an adult, maybe she can date Dear Daniel.
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And how, exactly, would we be able to celebrate Spongebob Squarepants birthday on July 14? Do we need to rent scuba gear? Won’t the sea water vaporize the cake? If he lives in a pineapple under the sea, will having an in-house (or should I say in-fruit) birthday party violate the city’s occupancy code?
What does this all mean? Do we have to add additional calendars to our scheduling and email applications? Do we have to buy more birthday cakes? Is this part of a clandestine but massive international baking conspiracy?
This does raise an additional concern for me personally.
Apparently, I share my birthday with these fictional characters: Airi, Anzu Shiina, Escanor, Fumika Kitagou, Hitoshi Shinsou, Ibaraki-Douji, Juliet Persia, Juliet Persia, Kaiser Insight, Kanade Hayami, Kanetsugu Gasou, Ken Satori, Kenji Gion, Kenji Gion, Konstantinos, Koyuki Sakakibara, Lucy Heartfilia, Maho Nishizumi, Matsuri Kagami, Matthew Williams, Mihato Uesugi, Natsuo Todoroki, Saki Nagatsuka, Satoru Furuya, Seika Amatsuka, Sora Harukawa, Suguru Daishou, Suzu Chuuma, Tasuku Senoo, Toshika Jin, Touka Kirishima, Youko Kikuchi, and Yukio Sudou.
I was going to invite you all for a birthday party featuring exquisite food and flowing fountains of spirited beverages, but I canceled the party fearing you that may prefer to celebrate the birthdays of famously fictional characters instead.
I just wouldn’t be able survive the ridicule and embarrassment of it all.
Wikipedia is the file source for Mickey Mouse, Hello Kitty, and Spongebob Squarepants images. Cleveland.com is the file source for the Dora The Explorer Image.
Please be advised that, contrary to popular opinion, Hello Kitty (alias Kitty White) has not yet been officially charged with criminal racketeering and should be considered innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.
The Random Safari Express, a serial feature column by senior UVI Communication student and humorist Carlos Eton, celebrates comedy, philosophy, and the thousand (often ridiculous) random thoughts that pop into our heads during the quiet moments of our day.
