By Carlos Eton
Your week was brutal again, wasn’t it?
Although you were severely tempted to use a leaf blower to blow away the of papers in your inbox, you focused and finished the 200 projects that were passed on to you by your boss–who conveniently decided that this week would be a good time to use up his vacation time.
Oh, and the college homework for the week! Three term papers, two exams, eight case studies, two presentations and a partridge in a pear tree—all due this week—and it’s only the second week of the semester! Not only do these crazy classes make you second-guess your choice to seek a degree in the first place, but it really makes you wonder if, instead of an academic university, school is really a territory-funded stress testing experiment and—guess what? —you are not in the control group. No sugary placebos for you!
And if you’re an older student, this week has really made you appreciate the idea of remote—really remote—children’s summer camps as an opportunity to enjoy actual peace and quiet. After all, how many times do you need to hear that your youngest will simply die if he doesn’t get the Full Baby Combat PlayStation game or that your oldest wants to borrow the car (knowing full well that a two-mile trip to the supermarket will rack up 436 miles on your odometer and dehydrate your gas tank)?
And, apparently, your smartphone has OCD since it won’t stop ringing and pinging messages. Don’t these people know you’re already stressed enough?
“Thank God it’s Friday!” you exclaim silently.
But … perhaps we should consider that Friday is not the best day to express gratitude toward divine forces.
Why? Well … it’s because of the Mayans and Incas. The last day of the Mayan calendar is December 21, 2012. A Friday. The last day of the modified Incan calendar is October 15, 1582, also a Friday. The last day of the previous millennium, December 31, 1999, was also a Friday.
What does that mean? Clearly that the world ends on a Friday.
So, if the world indeed ends on a Friday, perhaps the expression should be “Thank God it’s Saturday!” since it would prove that we have squeaked by and bypassed another world ending.
So how can we use this newfound knowledge to our advantage?
So how can we use this newfound knowledge to our advantage?
Well … debtors can definitely offer to make their payments on Saturday. Or, if you need to go on a shopping spree, then charge everything on Friday, since the billing cycle starts on Saturday.
Your ex wants to talk? Postpone the call until Saturday.
Meeting the in-laws? Saturday.
Changing the oil on your car? Saturday.
Oh … if you promised to take your roommate shopping for tofu kelp casserole ingredients on Friday, then you should definitely, definitely reschedule that trip to Saturday (or, for the sake of everybody’s taste buds, postpone it to Saturday, April 4, 3000). On second thought, postpone the tofu kelp casserole indefinitely.
Or beg your instructors to change exam due dates to Saturdays. After all, is waiting one more day (aka expanding the chronology of both local and world history) really going to change the impact your score on the History 622 exam?
Are you considering entering a new relationship but you’re not 100% confident with your choice? Then you should definitely hold off until 2026—Valentine’s Day falls on a Saturday that year.
At this point, I should be able to tie the random idea that the world ends on a Friday with gag of postponing entering romantic relationships. I should be able to connect the Mayan calendar with overextended credit spending. If I was clever, I would have made a funny joke about how you can’t find an ancient Incan restaurant on the island.
Well … I do have one idea. And it’s a great one. The best idea ever. I’ll share it with you on Saturday.
The Random Safari Express, a serial feature column by senior UVI Communication student and humorist Carlos Eton, celebrates comedy, philosophy, and the thousand (often ridiculous) random thoughts that pop into our heads during the quiet moments of our day.
